Written by: Alexa Bailey, MSW, LCSW
There are many moments in life when we act in a way that feels almost out of control. When someone disrespects your boundaries or hurts your feelings, big emotions can come up and it feels like you don’t have a choice in how to act. The difference between a reaction and response starts to become very clear when we see the emotional side of decision making.
To set the stage, a reaction and a response are both very similar but also very different. A reaction is usually an involuntary, automatic action. It can be very emotional and impulsive and is usually shaped by our past experiences and even our fears. On the other hand, a response is more thoughtful and on purpose. A response involves careful consideration, evaluation of the situation, and options to make a conscious decision.
A reaction can be formed over time and is essential for our survival as a human species. For example, if you feel the burner on the stove is hot, your reaction is to pull your hand away. This is a safety response because your brain can sense that it’s in danger and takes action to get safe again. In moments of danger, a reaction like this is important, to keep us from getting hurt. It’s not quite as helpful when the reaction is to yell when we’re feeling vulnerable in a conversation or to run away when our feelings get hurt. Our emotional reaction time is often fueled by the past, and can show up in beliefs related to perfectionism, fear of failure, and avoidance of emotional pain. In these moments, our brain can turn on autopilot and react instead of taking the time to decipher the information and create a response.
To be able to respond instead of reacting, we have to first understand, validate, and soothe the triggers that come up. If a negative belief is showing up, there is usually both emotional and physical feelings. In order to redirect our thoughts, we have to attend to the signals our body is receiving and soothe them. This might look like heart racing, body tension, anxiety, and worries. We can stop, take a breath, use a distraction, get our body into a safe feeling, and then engage with the thoughts.
Once our body is at peace, then we can step into the conscious decision of a response and identify the pros and cons of an action and use the information to create an informed decision. For instance, let’s say you’re at home and see a group of people making rude comments online and generally being mean. This might cause an anxious response and maybe even panic, with a racing heart and worries about how to shut it down. The first step is to listen to your body, maybe take a few deep breaths, take a walk, talk with a trusted person, and then decide your course of action. Maybe it’s a private message to the person making comments in order to set a boundary, or you might decide it’s better to talk in person the next day at school. Whatever you come to, it’s now a choice instead of a reaction to big feelings that could potentially lead to more hurt and difficulty.
There is no judgement for when we have difficulty responding and instead reacting. There are probably a lot of really good reasons for it. Instead, let’s extend some grace and compassion and focus on understanding what helps you feel safe, calm, and in control to be able to make good decisions.
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Alexa Bailey is a Licensed Master of Social Work (LMSW), who works in private practice providing therapeutic services at Evolve Counseling. She has experience treating several different populations and areas, including trauma, anxiety, depression, relational challenges, and life transitions with both young adults/adolescents and adults. Alexa is a big advocate of self-care and creating whole personal wellness through positive change and healthy habits.