Written by: Alexa Bailey, MSW, LCSW
A common feeling when it comes to loneliness is the experience of wishing we had more friends. It makes sense since we often equate friends with connection. But what if you could be your own best friend? What if you could feel connected, even with just yourself? This is where it becomes vitally important to become your own best friend, because when we can show up for ourselves and be okay with being on our own, that is where magic can happen. And not only do we find connection within ourselves, but it also increases our healthy connection with others, too.
Building a relationship with yourself starts first with getting to know who you are in a new way. During the beginning of the year, we can be hit with slogans like “new year, new me” and feeling the pressure to reinvent or redo ourselves. This trend, while it may seem motivational or harmless, can in fact be a shaming process where we critique and analyze ourselves in order to make change. What if, instead of shaming and changing, we instead extended curiosity and grace to ourselves to get reacquainted with who we are? The opposite of fear is curiosity and getting to know who you are, not just who you think you should be, requires us to dig into the vulnerable parts of ourselves and explore. Some good questions to begin this exploration could sound like: “What are my values? What do I believe in (religious, political, spiritual, social and ethical issues, etc.)? What are my best accomplishments/biggest failures? What brings me joy/brightens my life?”. Gathering curiosity opens up possibility for us to grow toward ourselves instead of away.
As we get curious and start exploring our likes, dislikes, and dispositions, we must also make room for spending time with ourselves. When you think about the last time you truly allowed yourself to sit in silence and sit with doing nothing, when was that? Chances are it was a long time ago or you can’t remember because we have so many things at our fingertips to keep us from being alone in our thoughts. Being on our own in our head can feel really scary and the fear of what may come up is a real concern for many people. However, when we can compassionately spend time in quiet and on our own, we are building tolerance for those quiet moments and building the capacity to be with ourselves. Starting out with this practice may take some time, and we may need to almost prescribe quiet time for ourselves and set timers to begin this endeavor, to create realistic moments of quiet, starting with just 10-15 minutes and working your way up to more. Whatever structure you need to help you succeed in this can be used. Once we have the capacity to sit with ourselves and be okay with being in the quiet alone, we then have deeper capacity for trying other things as well.
The last insight that can be a vital part of becoming your own best friend is taking yourself out on dates. You heard that right, you’ve got to date yourself to learn more about what you like and don’t like. This doesn’t have to be a big production or cost a lot of money, it can be free! But trying new things and doing them just for you is a beautiful way to begin growing a healthy connection to self. The dates you’ve been on with friends or significant others may be an easy way to start, to try taking yourself out for a meal, going on a walk in a park, or engaging in a creative activity. Make a list of things you’d like to try and start trying them for yourself. When we can be our own best friend, not only will we feel more comfortable in our own skin, but we can allow others in and feel more deeply connected as well.
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Alexa Bailey is a Licensed Clinical of Social Work (LCSW), who works in private practice providing therapeutic services at Evolve Counseling. She has experience treating several different populations and areas, including trauma, anxiety, depression, relational challenges, and life transitions with both young adults/adolescents and adults. Alexa is a big advocate of self-care and creating whole personal wellness through positive change and healthy habits.