Written by: Ema Grant, MS, LPC
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years – these wonderful holidays are just around the corner! We look forward to breaks from school, time off work, parties, and exchanging gifts. But with all the celebration, this often also means more time with our family, both immediate and extended. This extra family time isn’t always a good thing, let’s be honest.
We all have that one family member who is just difficult to be around. Maybe it’s an aunt or uncle who thrives in drama and will start fights with anyone who gets in their way. Maybe it’s a parent or sibling you just don’t get along with. Maybe your grandparents say or do inappropriate things that trigger you. Maybe you have to deal with all of these, or more!
So, how do you cope with these challenging relationships? Do you stick your headphones in and scroll through social media? Or do you call out all the things people shouldn’t be doing, only to be told you’re being disrespectful and end up in trouble with your parents? Maybe you don’t do either of those things; maybe you smile and nod and pretend like everything’s fine.
Did you know there’s a better way to deal with this? What if, instead of hiding, fighting, or people-pleasing, you could simply stand your ground, set some boundaries, and actually enjoy your holidays? Wouldn’t that be nice?! I know, I know. Easier said than done. But it’s also not that complicated, either.
Know Your Boundaries
In order to set a respectful boundary, we have to be able to identify the problematic behavior, express how we feel about the behavior, and ask for the change we need. It might be as simple as rehearsing a phrase like, “Uncle Jim, when you comment on my weight, I feel really disrespected and uncomfortable. Please stop making those kinds of comments. I’d rather tell you all about my big art project.” Or something like, “Grandma, it really upsets me when you criticize my mom, she works really hard and I appreciate all she does. Can you please be more aware of what you say in front of me?”
In some families, though, even healthy assertive comments like this aren’t welcome or allowed. If that’s your family, you may need to focus more on taking care of your emotions and reactions rather than on setting boundaries.
Keep Your Routines
One of the great things about the holidays is the time off from your usual activities. But this can also make it really hard to maintain our self-care routines. You’re probably staying up late and sleeping in, eating a lot of treats, not getting dressed or doing your hygiene routines every day, not exercising, and so on. This is all fine for a while, but when you add in the stress of family, it can make it really hard to keep your head on straight. We are all a little more reactive when we’re thrown off our normal routines.
If you expect to have a hard time around your family over the holidays, be sure to set aside time in your day for the things that make you smile. Things like catching up on a favorite show, reading a book just for fun, spending time alone or with friends, or engaging in a hobby can help us collect our thoughts, process our feelings, and self-soothe when we’re upset. You may even need to stay on your usual schedule of sleeping, eating, bathing, and so forth. You’d be surprised what a difference this can make!
Whatever your holidays look like, however pleasant or unpleasant your extra family time may be, keep in mind that you don’t have to just go along with the things that are hurtful or inappropriate. Set boundaries where you can, take care of yourself where you can, and choose to find joy this holiday season regardless of how others behave. You deserve a restful and joyful holiday season!
****************************************************************************************************************
Ema is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Arizona and graduated with a master’s in professional counseling from Grand Canyon University. As part of the Evolve Counseling team, Ema specializes in treating trauma, grief, and life transitions in adolescence through adulthood.