Written by: Caitlin Alfonso, LMSW
We have all done this before. We are hurting, and this sneaky “but” thought pops into our mind. “I am so upset that I got injured and couldn’t play in my last senior game of the season! But I shouldn’t complain because at least I can still walk.” This phenomenon is called comparative suffering. Comparative suffering is a thought process that takes place when we try to make sense of our pain by comparing it to others. In essence, we minimize our pain, deciding it does not count simply because someone somewhere has it worse.
Comparative suffering can also happen on the flip side – meaning that we might decide our pain is greater than another person’s. “I don’t care that someone spilled a drink on you right before your prom picture, because I didn’t get to go at all”. This approach often impedes our ability to empathize and show up for those we care about in a genuine way.
Either way, comparative suffering can negatively impact our mental health and be detrimental to our own emotional processing. The reality is that hard is hard. Your emotions over your own hardships are valid, and just because someone may be going through something “worse” doesn’t mean that your experiences aren’t still hard for you.
Emotions are tricky little suckers. Even when we try to push them down and ignore them, they tend to come up anyway. Often, these emotions end up exploding out of us in ways that overwhelm us and may lead us to be depressed, bitter, or lead us to isolate from our support system. Therefore, it is important to give space for our feelings and process them as we feel them. Easier said than done, though, right?
In order to avoid comparative suffering, we have to change the way we view our emotions. Firstly, we need to permit ourselves to feel our feelings. Remind yourself that your emotions are important and simply trying to communicate with you. Therefore, think of them as signals and ask yourself what is this emotion telling me? For instance, you can be grateful that you were not permanently injured in your accident but also sad that you missed your last game of the season. Both can be true at the same time, and one doesn’t have to be more true than the other. It’s just your truth. Lastly, give yourself the space you need to feel your feelings. If you can’t be genuine with your friends, then it is okay to vocalize that. Instead of being annoyed with your friend and saying, “well at least you got to go to prom” – you can choose to say “That does suck, and I do want to hear about it, but can we talk about it tomorrow? I am still not ready to hear about prom because I am still upset, I didn’t get to go.”
So next time an emotion pops up, feel it. It is okay to give yourself a hug and believe that even though somewhere someone is having a day that logically is tougher than yours, you still had a tough day.