Written by: Caitlin Alfonso, LMSW
As humans, we are social beings. If we take it back to caveman days, survival often relied on being part of the group. Even though it does not necessarily impact one’s literal survival today, we all have the same deeply rooted desire to belong. However, it is important to note the difference between the concepts of true belonging and fitting in. Very simply, belonging is being accepted for who you are, while fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
This quest for acceptance is illustrated throughout various story arches all the time! In fact, what do Mulan, Nemo, and Elsa have in common? Well, let’s explore these three animated movies by going all the way back in time to the 1900’s… specifically 1998 when Disney released Mulan. After a disastrous encounter with the matchmaker, Mulan doesn’t feel a sense of belonging as a young woman in her culture. She slips away in the middle of the night and joins the military in place of her older father. While it can be argued that she eventually fits in with the men, it isn’t until they learn and embrace her identity as a woman that she finally has a sense of belonging.
Five years later, Disney Pixar released Finding Nemo in 2003. Nemo wants so desperately to fit in with his peers that he swims out and touches the “butt” (boat) and gets captured by a scuba diver in the open water. He spends his time in captivity learning to embrace his tiny fin, and when he returns to his home and the other sea creatures accept him and his tiny fin, he finally shifts from fitting in to having a sense of belonging.
Ten years later, in 2013, Disney released yet another movie that navigated the line between fitting in and belonging through the lens of Elsa in Frozen. Elsa, afraid of her abilities, shut herself off from the world. When she opens the gates, Elsa is still hiding her true self and is simply trying to blend in with her people. It isn’t until she embraces her gifts, and Anna sacrifices herself in a demonstration of unconditional love and acceptance, do we yet again see the shift into belonging.
The list of examples can go on and on. The reality is that each of us has likely experienced a time when we navigated the complexities of feeling like we fit in versus feeling like we belong in our personal lives. Maybe we joined a team or activity that was popular, but not fun to us. Perhaps we dressed in a certain fashion or listened to certain music because others around us said it was cool. There is no shame in doing this, it is ultimately how we find our true selves. The key is to pay attention to yourself and check in with yourself. Ask yourself from time to time, “Am I being authentically myself when I (fill in the blank)?”
Remember that fitting in is not truly belonging, and to belong, you shouldn’t have to fit in. You just have to be your authentic self, and you will attract the people who will accept and love you.