Written by: Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC
Let’s be honest, the holidays aren’t always fun and cheer. There may be parts about the holidays you dread. This time of year is a perfect time to discuss the importance of boundaries. As Brené Brown says, boundaries are our lists of what is and isn’t okay. Boundaries help us protect our feelings and create healthy relationships with our friends and family, which is crucial during the holiday season.
WHEN do I set boundaries?
Before we set a boundary, we first need to identify where one is needed. Where do you struggle the most around the holidays? Are there people you feel anxious around? Do you start to get nervous when you think about questions you might be asked? Boundaries are used to help us feel safe, respected, heard, and supported. Looking at our needs starts the process of finding ways to create and communicate boundaries. For example, if you find yourself getting anxious when thinking about buying gifts for all your friends, it is probably time to set a boundary.
HOW do I set boundaries?
Once we know what boundaries we want to set, we then must implement them. The best way to do this is to communicate your boundary in a calm and direct way. The goal is to be clear and specific; this makes it easier for people to respect them. If you are not comfortable with your aunt’s comments about your appearance, setting a boundary would be telling her that such comments are off-limits, and you will choose to leave the conversation if they continue.
The tricky part about boundaries is that not everyone is going to understand or respect them. Pushback against boundaries comes in many shapes and sizes; it may be someone trying to make you feel guilty, telling you that you’re being unreasonable, or ignoring your boundaries entirely. It’s important to remember that if someone pushes back on your boundaries, it is only confirmation that it needed to be set. Remember to stand firm and remind yourself that you have the right to set boundaries.
Practice Makes Progress: Consistency is Key
Boundaries can be tough to master. If we aren’t used to setting boundaries, it’s common to feel selfish or guilty when we do. The key to getting comfortable with setting boundaries is to practice consistency. Setting boundaries is half the battle, enforcing them is what makes the difference. If we let our boundaries slide “just this once” or every now and then, you are showing others that it is okay to not take your boundaries seriously. Hold yourself and others accountable when it comes to your boundaries, they are important and deserve to be treated as such. Also, make sure to reflect on how you benefit from your boundaries. When the holidays become less stressful and more enjoyable because you have set boundaries, you know you did the right thing, even if it was hard and uncomfortable.
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Hannah Schlueter is a Licensed Associate Counselor (LAC) who provides therapeutic services at Evolve Counseling. Hannah specializes in working with teens and enjoys helping them navigate anxiety, depression, identity struggles, self-esteem, and relationships. Hannah has a passion for helping teens overcome their challenges and empower them to grow and improve their overall well-being.