The people around us can have a surprisingly big influence on how we feel about our bodies. Scientists have even found that people with a more positive body image often have friends who also feel relatively good about their bodies. Positive body image also seems to grow in relationships where we feel accepted for who we are…not for how we look. In fact, having even one supportive friend you can talk to may help protect against body dissatisfaction.
Of course, friendship works both ways. When you feel more comfortable with yourself, you may also be more likely to accept and support your friends. You can remind each other that appearance is only one small part of who you are.
Unfortunately, not every interaction with friends makes us feel better about ourselves. Friends sometimes tease each other about appearance, weight, clothes, or eating. Even when teasing is meant to be funny or affectionate, it can still hurt. And sometimes conversations that seem completely normal can make everyone involved feel worse about their bodies.
One example is something psychologists call “fat talk.” You have probably heard, or even participated in, conversations like this:
“I feel so fat today.”
“Look at my stomach in these jeans!”
The expected response is usually something reassuring, such as, “No, you don’t!” or “You look great!” Then someone else may join in: “Well, I hate my stomach,” or “I wish I looked like you.”
These exchanges are especially common among girls and women, and they may seem like a harmless way to bond with friends. Sometimes people even criticize their bodies because they think that is what they are supposed to do. Saying, “I think I look amazing!” can feel much more uncomfortable than saying, “I hate my thighs.”
But fat talk isn’t as harmless as it seems. Psychologists have connected these conversations to greater body dissatisfaction, worries about weight, and disordered eating. When everyone talks about how they look, it also reinforces the idea that our appearances are important if we are to be viewed as likeable or even acceptable by others. Over time, these messages can make it harder for all of us to appreciate the wide range of physical qualities that people naturally have. Some people are tall, and some are short; some have brown eyes and some have blue, some are naturally slender, and some are not.
You don’t have to participate in this cycle.
One place to start is by remembering that “fat” is not actually a feeling. If you find yourself thinking, “I feel fat,” try asking yourself what you are really feeling. Are you uncomfortable? Self-conscious? Anxious? Left out? Sad? Comparing yourself with someone else? Naming the actual feeling can help you figure out what you need.
You can also change the way you respond when friends criticize their bodies. Instead of automatically saying, “No, you’re not fat!” you might say, “You know your body has nothing to do with why we’re friends,” or simply steer the conversation toward something else.
You might even be direct: “Can we not spend our time talking about how much we hate our bodies?”
That can feel awkward at first, especially when body criticism has become a normal part of a friendship. But psychologists have found that reducing fat talk can reduce worries about weight and appearance.
And there is an added benefit: when you spend less time talking about stomachs, thighs, calories, and weight, you have more time for everything else that makes friendship interesting – your ideas, plans, jokes, problems, dreams, and all the things happening in your lives.